Altar Boy Blues

For some reason back in 2014 Knees felt inspired and wrote the lyrics of a song, then recorded the song the next day. As is his habit, he picked the first melody that occurred to him and since it's a blues song, it's probably the first melody that would occur to anyone. The lyrics were easy to write since he was writing about something he used to know something about: being an altar boy and having to get up at 6 a.m. to serve 6:30 mass. He never had any problems with the priests back in the 50s -- the nuns were the ones he had to watch out for -- but the current zeitgeist dictates that he suggest a bit of debauchery in the priest/altar boy relationship, so he did.

ALTAR BOY BLUES

To provide a bit of 1950ish Catholic ambience I decided to add, as a roving chorus, a lone voice intoning the Latin responses that altar boys of the pre-1960s era had to say in response to the priest's ejaculations. After more than 60 years I still remember most of them by heart, sad to say. 

Okay, because of popular demand, here are two more versions of the song.

ALTAR BOY BLUES (Just the Latin)

ALTAR BOY BLUES (Just the Profane)

Written: Vancleave MS 2014

Well you wake up inna mornin

Gotta serve that early mass

If you don’t make it by 5:30,

Father Damien will have yo ass,

You got the altar boys blues

Ain’t no joy for you today

Till dat priest done said his piece

You his prisoner and his slave.

Well you put on a grimy cassock

And a surplice with big sleeves

Then you light up all the candles

And get down upon your knees,

You got the altar boys blues

Ain’t no joy for you today

Till dat priest done had his fill

You his prisoner and his slave.

Well you answerin all his questions

In some crazy ancient tongue

When all you wanna say is

“Lemme outta here while I’m young,”

You got the altar boys blues

Ain’t no joy for you today

Till dat priest has done his deed

You his prisoner and his slave.

The time rolls by so slow

And you keep watchin yo behind,

The priest’s got Latin on his lips

But Greek is on his mind.

You got the altar boys blues

Ain’t no joy for you today

Till that priest done seen his god

You his prisoner and his slave.

Well de mass is finally over

You stop feeling like a fool

You just got one more year of this

Den you can go to public school

You got the altar boys blues

Ain’t no joy for you today

Till that priest done say Amen

You his partner and his slave.

Let em get you when you young

You’ll be servin to your grave

If you let em have their way with you

You gonna serve your life away.

  

The LATIN LOW MASS — Altar Boy’s Responses

Ad Deum qui laetificat, juventutem meam.

Quia tu es, Deus, fortitudo mea: quare me repulisti, et quare tristis incedo, dum affligit me inimicus?

Et introibo ad altare Dei: Ad Deam qui laetificat juventutem meam.

Spera in Deos quoniam adhuc confetibor illi: salutare vultus mei, et Deus meus.

Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper: et in saecula saeculorum. Amen.

Ad Deum qui laetificat, juventutem meam.

Qui fecit caelum et terram.

Misereatur tui omnipotens Deus, et dimissis peccatis tuis, perducat te ad vitam aeternam. Amen.

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, beate Mariae semper Virgini, beato Michaeli Archangelo, beato Joanni Baptistae, sanctis Apostolis Petro et Paulo, omnibus Sanctis, et tibi, Pater: quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo, et opera mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, beatum Michaelem Archangelum, beatum Joannem Baptistam, sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum, omnes Sanctos et te, Pater, orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Amen. Amen.

Et plebs tua laetabitur in te.

Et salutare tuum da nobis.

Et clamor meus ad te veniat.

Et cum spiritu tuo.

Kyrie, eleison. Christe, eleison. Christe, eleison. Kyrie, eleison.

Suscipiat Dominus sacrificium de manibus tuis ad laudem et gloriam nominis sui, ad utilitatem quoque nostrum, totsiusque Ecclesiae suae sanctae.

Habemus ad Dominum.

Dignum et justum est.

Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus, Deus Sabbaoth. Pleni sunt caeli et terra Gloria tua. Hosanna in excelsis. Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domine. 

Hosanna in excelsis.

1955 - Father Theophil's School of Charm

Knees is directly in front of Theophil, Michael to Theophil's right and Bob is between the two tall girls on the far right. Where's Johnny?

BONUS COVER!

How about 90% of a great old Bob Dylan song? It's a long song about a guy getting stuck in a carnival sideshow and as Bob sang it, it had a short bridge about tax-deductible charity organizations. I didn't like the words (blasphemy!) so I left it out and just kept the nightmare plot going. Sorry, Bob.

BALLAD OF A THIN MAN

Standing

I've been concentrating on books lately and neglecting my music but I managed to squeeze out a song over the weekend before my computer started giving me fits. So this is the final version of this song written by Joss Whedon and sung by Anthony Head in "Once More with Feeling", the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I need to do every track over, but with my computer injecting audible glitches at random times I'm pretty sure I'm retiring this song and probably looking into getting another computer.

STANDING

As I approach my 70s I find that I have to lower every song a few keys because I can't sing as high as I used to. So even though I knew the song was in F (I have the chord book for the episode) I tried it in D and found that there are no high notes in the melody. The song sounded quite dull and lifeless with me singing so low. So I did it again in F and it has a bit more zest to it now. It made me feel young again, singing a song in its original key.

And the Firm Soil Win of the Wat'ry Main

This is the third song I wrote for the April project for the Cover Album Project Band, giving me a trio of tunes with strange titles: The Advantage on the Kingdom of the Shore, That Time Will Come and Take My Love Away, and now, And the Firm Soil Win of the Wat'ry Main. For this third song, I let myself be inspired by a particular "style" in Band in a Box called "Dr. John". The program plays the piano, drums and bass so well I kept them all for the audio, and only added guitars, organ and vocals.

AND THE FIRM SOIL WIN OF THE WAT'RY MAIN

MP3

AND THE FIRM SOIL WIN OF THE WAT'RY MAIN

Youtube Video

Oh de tide roll in

And de tide roll out

Like a kitchen door

In a crabshack down sout'

Dere ain’t no lotion

Like de ocean, when yo dry.

Oh de land grow slow

And de water flow fas’

Dey each one race

Don’ wanna come in las’

And dere ain’t no motion

Like de ocean, Ah tell you why.

And the firm soil win of the wat’ry main

What de hell kind of language is dat?

But you ask anyone and dey’ll all say

Dat Shakespeare was some groovy cat.

Oh you got ebb and flow

All night and day

You got to and fro

Every which a way

And dere ain’t no potion

Like de ocean, when yo high.

And the firm soil win of the wat’ry main

Shakespeare musta been quite a sight

Throwin’ out words jus’ like a man insane

Took him 64 tries to get it right.

So let’s say hello

To our frien’ de moon

It’s a summer night

He’ll be rising soon

And dere ain’t no notion

Like de ocean, when you die.

  

And the firm soil win of the wat’ry, wat'ry main

BONUS COVER!

Knees was feeling pretty good one day while recording and realized he knew two songs with the same name. One was a old standard Johnny Horton song and the other was a ethereal ballad by The Band. Both were great songs but were not much alike. But, Knees wondered, could they possibly be mashed, pureed and blended into a single recording? Yes they could, and here is how Knees did it.

WHISPERING PINES